Sunday Coaching: Healing Anxious Attachment
When I was first divorced I was introduced to the concept of ‘attachment styles’. I was informed by my therapist at the time that I had disorganized attachment. I would anxiously take things too far and too fast in an online dating match and then end it with little warning (the avoidant part). This sounds intense but honestly, I didn’t end anything that could have worked out long term. The real problem was on the front end. I was having trouble being patient and getting to know men in a real, grounded way before I developed an almost ‘primal’ type of attachment to them. I hyper focused on getting into an exclusive relationship, often against my own interest with men that weren’t at my level emotionally or in life. Once we had a commitment, I would become continually anxious and unhappy about small things. These small things were mostly habits or traits I would have let go if I had felt good about the match on a core level. So I would be harping on how they texted for example, while the bigger issues of incompatibility loomed over us silently. Eventually I would just burn it down over something that really wasn’t ‘it’ to begin with. When I started embodiment work and really learned how to ‘winter’ what stuck out to me was how little time I spent talking to men about anything that really mattered and how much time I focused on small things I should have been able to let go of. I was in relationships that could never meet my core needs and because of that I was unable to relax and allow for a normal amount of human difference in communication and lifestyles. I was trying to get a feeling of control and compatibility with men that was never possible with. During that season I dated a lot of men that I don’t think will ever have a long term partner. I was playing a game with them that no woman will ever win.
From the outside you could have judged my dating as me not being able to hold a relationship together. You might also have said I just wasn’t ready and I needed a bigger break after divorce … but I was in therapy and I had taken a long time to make the choice to exit my marriage. So while I did want experiences and freedom that really wasn’t what was blocking me from meeting men that could be great ‘right now’ connections either. The problem was that I was entertaining matches that never could have worked because I had zero control over my nervous system with men. I knew that to build the life I wanted for myself and to find partnership on my own terms I had to get a handle on this issue which is what let me become certified in embodiment. I didn’t have a goal to see clients originally, I just knew it was the only thing that was working for me and I wanted to take my practice deeper. Now I work (hard) with women on nervous system development and emotional maturity so that they can calm down and choose where they invest their time. Understanding the difference, in your body, between the drug of new attention and actual relationship potential is a core skill of feminine embodiment.
A few things get missed in the conversations around attachment styles these days. First, online dating is incredibly hard for most women. Women are hardwired for connection, community and family. My most successful and driven female clients still have a core desire for one partner and family on their own terms, regardless of if they want children or not. Online dating, the primary way to meet men post pandemic, is extremely taxing on a woman’s nervous system. Unlimited choices and connection options with most of them resulting in long, undefined entanglements is super destructive for the female nervous system. We just weren’t designed to date this way. However, if you want to partner well it is in your best interest to get the nervous system capacity to deal with internet dating and modern dating culture in general. The really cool thing about healing anxious attachment in one area though is that the work will show up across your life. Nervous system development is a global remedy. So even if it isn’t ideal there is a benefit to you financially, spiritually and emotionally in learning to navigate dating and early relationships well.
Even if it isn’t in our nature, we must get better at sorting. If you have unlimited opportunities then you have to acquire the skills to deal with the options well. I also think it helps women to create more value around temporary connections. Can you show up 100% to each date in the belief that human connection has value even if it doesn’t ‘go anywhere’? Can you honestly get to know a man and observe his habits and values without using his attention as a confusing drug? When you have a rush of anxiety and find yourself wanting to propel things immediately forward with a virtual stranger can you step back, winter and focus on yourself instead?
I have seen that if you can learn these skills there has never been a better time to date and partner. I wonder how much of the ‘attachment’ phenomenon has to do with humans just having to develop very new skills in a very anti-mammal dating and relationship culture. We are grappling in every direction with our relationship to ‘have it now’ culture from addictive technologies to unlimited fast food options. However, with every evolution is opportunity. Opportunities to make rare matches outside of your comfort zone and your cultural experience with men that you couldn’t have connected with in your social circles. There is so much value in genuine human connection even with men that were never meant to be in your life long term. Learning how to leverage those connections for your good is just a skill. It might not be in your nature but it can still be to your advantage.
I have a workshop on this topic coming up in September of 2023!
